The Last Day I Felt Like Me

The Last Day I Felt Like Myself

I wish I could remember the last time I felt like myself.  If I could, I would go back in those moments and capture them, so I could have a clear image of what ‘normal’ is supposed to look like.  But I don’t remember the moment everything changed. Maybe it was subtle.  I just don’t know. I just remember feeling hopeless.  I had a name for what ailed me, a definitive answer but it did not make anything better.  I felt worse somehow. 

I should have done something sooner.  I should have talked to my doctor, gotten on meds earlier.  Then I wouldn’t have struggled so much.  I wouldn’t have had migraines all the time.  I wouldn’t have missed work for doctor appointments that led to nowhere, and maybe just maybe I would have another kid instead of so many miscarriages.  I would have been happier if I had just done something sooner.  Except I am not really sure any of this is because of the Fibro or the Hashimoto’s Disease.  I cannot prove it anyway, and saying it now does not make the past feel any better.  But these are just my thoughts, the ones I used to beat myself up.  Then I got so tired, even these thoughts were too much to muster. 

Before Fibro, I thought the issue was my migraines.  I would have more migraine days than not in a month and I was on a shot for them and two rescue medications. I did my best to carry on and not let migraines beat me.  I learned to:  Move through it.  Fight it.  Conquer it.  Not let them have control.  The first neurologist I saw said to not give in to the migraines like the migraines were some unruly two year old.  Then I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and the biggest thing they say, Don’t fight it, Don’t push through, Don’t over do it.  And I learned the hard way, to let that unruly two year old win and have cake and ice cream too.  

Since May 2025, I have struggled with my diagnosis.  I started having more defined “flare up” days, and nothing was helping me to get through these days.  I was leaving work early, going from appointment to appointment hoping for something, anything to help.  I was scared, and in pain, and depressed.  I had a hard time just keeping myself going.  There were times when I wanted to just give up completely.  I would think about what it would feel like to not feel pain anymore, to not have to deal with this anymore.  I wanted to give up.  But how could I, give up?  Really what would my life look like if I continued to live this way?

Finding a New Way

I was miserable, and I still am miserable.  I have not found my way out of the darkness.  When I started writing this post yesterday, I was ok.  I was in better spirits than I had been in weeks, and I felt good, but  I decided to let the post sit for a few hours and finish this morning.  This morning has been a not so good day, I am tired, my body is aching and I am having trouble concentrating. My fingertips hurt from typing, but I still feel like this is what I need to do.  I need to write about my journey.  I need to find something positive out of all this pain, and misery.  And so my way of navigating through the fog with fibromyalgia and Hashimoto’s is to take them both by the hand and walk together.  I can not give up.  All I can do is find peace and become a new normal.

Thanks for reading. 

Kerry C.